The more things change, the more they stay the same.

It has been so long since I last posted.  I'm not sure why but I guess I just didn't have the urge to write and felt I didn't have anything much to say......

I think I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit that nothing has changes...... still married, still with Sweet Love, still agonizing over how impossible it all is......  pretty boring.

I think the one thing that has changed , or just gotten better, is how Sweet Love and I communicate and handle things.  It seems that we learn more every day about each other, our relationship, etc.   I think that she is not happy that I am not divorced but doesn't pressure me.  I don't do it because I'm terrified to be subject to the laws of my state until eternity.  I know I am not really prepared to move to the next state, I will have to deal with the laws in my state, but yet, I can't accept it.  I think acceptance is a really huge thing that I need to work on.  I also, truthfully, think I STILL, after all this time, can't accept the loss of my "family".   SORRY......It sounds SO PATHETIC.  But if I don't write the truth, what good is writing?

My H. has a GF.  She's very nice, no problem there.  But it EATS away at me that she is with my son playing family.  It eats at me knowing that he is the person with her (right now) that I married and fell in love with.  More acceptance to work on.........

Hope all of you on this journey are doing well and finding peace.

Sasha

Mahsa & Marjan Vahdat featuring Melissa Etheridge - "I Shall Be Released"

absolutely beautiful......

Marjan Vahdat featuring Melissa Etheridge - "I Shall Be Released"

This is my little gift to you today.

I don't know why I've felt kind of "stuck" in the writing department.  Nothing seems to come into my head when I try to think about blogging.  But time is a-wasting and today I felt a little tickle back in my fingers so lets see what comes out.......

Status update:  Things are pretty much the same, ups and downs with Sweet Love.  We have days were we are so in-sync and then we have days were the pressure of our situation "gets" to one of us and there is an explosion.  It's so hard to love someone with your entire being but at the same time feel like nothing will ever change.  It's a roller coaster of emotion.  Anger at the situation, anger at the other person, anger at the world, acceptance, love, trying to imagine if somehow you could just let go and find happiness that is more tangible.  But, how to you break a line between two souls?

Things with H. are actually surprisingly calm.  He has actually been NICE to me and acting human.  I asked him if he had a girlfriend - he said no.  I asked him if he was on anti-depressants - he said no.  Hmmmm, very curious.....  well, I just hope it lasts.

I have always felt this really strong pull towards some unknown place of inner peace.  It started out so intangible and over the years I have realized that when I keep this "feeling" present inside me, I move just a tiny bit closer to this "thing".  During the times I let go of this idea, I seem to move further into chaos and angst.  I have realized that I've really travelled a huge distance on this road over the past 2 years.  I had made little steps in the 20 years prior but the last 2 years feels like things have really become clear in terms of what I need to actually do, how I need to actually live, to start to live the peace, not just strive for it and catch glimpses every once in a while.  I have been doing so much reading and listening to those enlightened souls who can put into words and music, this intangible feeling I have lived with.  Listening to them has really helped me focus in on what speaks to me and helped me focus in and find the words I was looking for during all this time.  Some of the things that are really inspiring me right now are Marianne Williamson's "EveryDay Grace" (sorry I know I should underline the titles but I can't find my underline tool :)))  Herman Hesse's "Siddartha", and Don Miguel Ruiz's "The 4 Agreements".

I hope you all are finding some peace.  I guess it's the struggle of human's back until the beginning of time.

Love & Peace.
S.

Constance McMillen

Demand Equal Rights for Mississippi High School Prom Guests | Change.org

Constance McMillen is an 18 year old who has the courage to stand up for herself.  I am so proud of this girl, I wonder if I would have the same courage.  It is people like her who I believe will bring the change forward.........  Constance, you are a wonderful young woman!

Please click on this link and sign the petition.

More coming from me soon.......promise!
S.

Paragraph 1

It's been a while......  Snow, travel, nothing to say, too much to say.....all amount to a long time since I've written.  Not even sure what to write about as I start writing now but I know something always comes to me somehow.  I guess I feel like I am so bored with my own situation that I figure I should just stop whining until I take some action.......or just stop complaining.   Sometimes I get so spiraled out of control in my head thinking "what I should do" and going around in circles until I think my head will explode.  Then I have a moment where I will just think STOP!  Just stop.  Calm down, do nothing, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.  I find this place where I'm comfortable believing that if it's so hard for me to figure out what the next move should be, then maybe the next move hasn't presented itself yet.  Sometimes I have other people making me feel like I should be "doing" something......I can't tell you how many times I've been asked why we haven't gotten divorced yet, what are we waiting for......How about this: "mind your own business"........

Sweet Love and I are good.  A little space has developed but not bad space.  I think we are trying to make peace with what is real and living our lives and loving each other but not being so constantly connected with each other.  It feels right to me.  That is another area of pressure and when I stop trying to find a solution I'm way more peaceful.  I guess I've unclenched my fists a little in trying to keep control of everything.

H. has been a complete A&(&^hole.  The only time he's civilized is when he's at work and we're on the phone.  Any other time and he is pretty much horrible to me.  I'm just taking deep breathes and trying to follow my own pearls of wisdom (see paragraph 1)..........

Bottom line: get divorced here and listen to my jail cell door slam shut or move - which you all know has it's own problems or........defer once again to paragraph #1, which is what I think I'll do for today.

;)

The Mind F#*K

My friends husband dropped dead the other day.  Left her and her young daughter to fend for themselves.  He was a gentle and loving man,  loved "his girls" with all his heart.  My small town has rallied around them with outstretched arms, it is comforting to see, one of the things I love about where I live.  The memorial service was beautiful.  H. was also there.  I asked him if he wanted to sit together and he did.  During the service I kept looking at him (he wouldn't look at me though) and thinking about how fleeting this life is.  How I missed my family.  How silly this all was.  I felt like I wanted to hold him and my son close and never let go........

The mind F%^K strikes again.

Saturday, Another Day of Life.

Before I start my post I just want to acknowledge the tragedy that is unfolding in Haiti.  My heart breaks for the Haitians and especially the children.  I have been wishing I could go to the Dominican Republic, rent a big house, and care for some of the children that have nowhere to go.  So, I want to say that I realize that the scope of my "problems" are pretty minimal compared to the hand the universe deals some people.  That being said, I will continue..................

I've been feeling really down the last week, god when I go back and read the history of my posts I sound like a manic depressive.  So much up and down.  Will this ever get any easier?  I told you that Sweet Love had hit some sort of wall after I left.  As I was leaving that morning, she said she felt like I was just going on a business trip for a few days and that I would be "home" soon.  I guess when the realization hit that I wasn't coming home soon, she had a reaction and felt like she couldn't take anymore.  Our situation is so without hope.

I had a talk with H. again, told him I was thinking of moving to the next state (about 15 miles away).  He asked me if it was so that I could live with her, I said no but that I needed to have a life and that living in our small town wasn't really allowing that.  He told me that I would be taking our son away from him and that I was selfish.  I asked him if he would be willing to let me have her come and stay with me in the house (separate bedroom), he said no and that if I tried to expose my son to that he would fight me.  I asked him why (again) and he said (again) that he didn't want him to be ridiculed at school and asked about his "two mommies".   He told me I was selfish and had always just done what I wanted and that I was doing it again.  That moving was not going to be good for our son (ok, I'm getting sick of writing "my son" "our son" etc. so I'm going to give him a name from now on.....hmmmmm.............ok..............Johnny).
*Johnny*
He said if SL want's to come and get her own place here that's ok but not to stay with me.  I said that's really not ok because when you see her you threaten to run her over.  How does that work exactly?  She does not want to come here.  There is nothing for her here but me.  In the other place she could have some sort of life.  So I'm agonizing.  Surprise surprise.

So SL have been still going about the same sort of routine, skyping, e-mailing, phoning.  After my hysterical agony over the thought of losing her, she kind of backed off and we kind of settled back into our routine.  I wrote her an e-mail, a few days later, that I didn't want to ignore what she wrote to me and that I loved her enough to let her go peacefully if that's what she felt would bring her happiness.  I said I felt like I would die but that I knew I would survive.  I told her if she told me what she needed I would do my best to give it to her because she is that precious to me.  I guess we are just feeling our way through.

The craziest thing of all is that during all this, knowing how deeply she sits inside me, how much I love her, I STILL fantasize about my family being whole again and the possibility of reconciling with my H.  Will this EVER end..............................................................................?

Brutal Choices

She has told me that she doesn't see how we can ever make this work.  She doesn't see the way.  Usually she is content to not have the answers and believe that things will reveal themselves but I guess something has changed her perspective and she feels she cannot live her life waiting to see each other a few times a year and conduct the rest of our relationship using technology.  I completely understand this but I also can't live without her.  I asked her if I moved if she would be willing to come but she said she thinks I love where I live and that if I took my son away from here that I would end up resenting her.  She doesn't believe that my son will ever accept her because my H. is so unrelenting in his anger about the relationship.  I feel like my heart is ripped out.  When I read her e-mail I nearly threw up - literally.  We have spoken and she is loving and say's she would like for us to be together but she also doesn't want to close herself off to finding some happiness in her reality which is 5,000 miles away.  Again, I understand but the idea of anyone else touching her or having her love is too much for me to bear.  I literally could die thinking about it.  I am going over solutions in my head.  1) Move, hope my H. doesn't file for 6 months, try to get jurisdiction in the new place.  2) Beg H. to let her come stay with me. 3) Just have her come and take the risk that H. could take legal action.

Obviously, none of these options look great.  My best option is probably to move but I feel so much guilt about making this choice because I can't see how it wouldn't be really hard on my son.  I feel like I am putting my happiness over his and this is almost impossible for me to do.  My 2 closest friends tell me that where my son lives is way less important than the love and support he receives and these are abundant.  I don't think I would realistically do it until the end of the school year but this whole thing is so hard for me to get my mind around - I just go numb and want to go to sleep.

I Lose

Sadness permeates my soul
she is so far away
from me

I ache for her
I cry for her
I long for her

I cannot imagine life without her
I cannot figure out how to make a life with her

my child
my love
you choose
I lose

she wants a whole life
I want her to be happy
I want her
I want a life with her
I want my child
where do I turn?

Tightrope Walker

Happy New Year!  2010.  Sounds very Space Odyssey (or Space Oddity) like!  Hard to believe that what seems like just a few years ago, a movie came out about the year 2001 and it seemed like an eternity away.  Scary.  Makes me think about how fast life speeds by us.  It's so frustrating when you are in such a no mans land  of emotions and feel so paralyzed and you really just want everything to make sense so you can get on with your life.  I guess part of our growth as humans is to know when we can control things and when we can't, and when we can't, accept it.  Finding that balance seems to be the really tricky part..........

Well, I am back from my trip to see Sweet Love.  It was a wonderful visit but not without a lot of real-ness also.  As soon as we saw each other we were back in our rhythm and so beautifully connected in every way.  She was so generous with herself.  So loving, considerate, affectionate.  I felt the tornado of love for her inside every fiber of my being.  After several days, we had a little "tiff" about something pretty small and she became very angry and mean (I hate that word, it seems so juvenile but it's really the right word for it).  For the next few days she would kind of attack me periodically for something I did or said that she didn't like.  I had a very bad reaction and really retreated into myself.  Mind you, my history is full of people who I have had to walk on eggshells with and this is not something I am willing to do again, not for anyone.  I started to really crystalize in my mind how I could not be with someone who treated me poorly, even if it was %5 of the time.  I spent a difficult couple of days in my head and we were clearly not in sync with each other.  I finally approached her and explained my feelings.  She was very resistant at first and told me she knows people don't like that side of her and she's heard it before but this was who she was.  I said that was fine but I needed to be clear that every time she spoke to me in that way, a little piece of my heart closed and that she would eventually lose me.  I told her that if she wanted to live her life alone that was an ok way to behave but there would not be a healthy person out there who would choose to be in that dynamic.  She listened carefully.  I finally told her that if I was going to be with someone who spoke to me abusively, I would be with my H. so at least my son would have his family intact.   We did finally find each other again and had very loving last days.  I feel that my eyes are open and that she did hear me.  I don't know what the future will bring but I know in my heart that I love her.  When I think about us growing old without each other it makes me sick.   I will follow my own advice in the beginning of this post and try to walk that tiny tightrope between letting things go that I can't control and taking responsibility for myself.  I'll keep you posted ;)
Sasha

Arrivederci

(I hope I spelled that right :) )

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
La de da!
Tomorrow!

Happy, peaceful, beautiful holidays to you all.

Maybe I'll post from my trip, if not, see you next year!  I wish us all a new year of clarity, no stress, intuition, and happiness.

Sasha

Snow and Men

Ok, I am now familiar with a very unfortunate but real down side to not having a man around.  SNOW.  There's really not much you can do with the stuff except get a man to deal with it (especially when it's more than 2 feet high!).  Fortunately, there are men for hire for just these types of situations as well as some very chivalrous husbands of friends.  I'm sure there are many women around who would be fine digging themselves out but a) I don't have a shovel! and b) I'm just not one of them!

So, the plow guy is here and I should be good to get out of my driveway pretty soon.  The problem is then where to go as the roads are all still a mess!  I doubt there will be school for several days.  Sweet Love is waiting for me...............She is watching the snow fall here on skype and the news.  5 more days!

Semi Sweet Morsels

Ugh!  My dog just ate 3/4 of a bag of Nestles chocolate chips.  You'd think that my vet could tell me what to do but they are telling me to call animal poison control, which will charge me $60  to ask what to do.  I'm annoyed and writing this while I wait for them to call me back......So, if you have dogs, be careful,  leaving your chocolate chip bag in a seemingly safe spot is not good enough.....I guess once their noses get a whiff of that chocolatey goodness, all bets are off.  Ok, vet just called, give him hydrogen peroxide and make him throw up.  Better than a trip to the vet....I'll get right on it........

I also just had a fight with H.  I wanted to talk about looking into private schools for my son and he said "I have a hard time taking any of your judgment calls seriously considering the decisions you've made in your life".  Nice.

And, to top things off, I had a little tif with Sweet Love.  She was complaining about something really silly and I made the motion of my hands of talking (we were on skype) sort of making fun of her and she hung up on me and turned her phone off!  I wrote to her that she was like a little girl who didn't get her way and took her toys and went home.  She didn't really appreciate that............  Now I guess we are in an official "tif".  I suppose I could have handled it differently but I was in a good mood and thought she was and was just fooling around with her.  Sheeeeeeesh!

On that note, one of the things I find really intense but kind of funny when I'm not in it, is how arguments between two women in a relationship are so much different than with a man and a woman.  Not the actual conflict part, more the resolution part.  I have found that when there is serious and difficult communication between the two women (or at least me and S.L.) both end up crying.  I have never had this happen in a relationship with a man.  It is kind of sweet, kind of makes the whole thing more intense, and kind of funny all at the same time.  Neither S.L. or I are big cryers (I am more than her) but when things get really intense, it never fails.  In the end, I love her more.  8 more days........... :)

p.s  Dog puked, we're good.

My Evil Stepmonster

Feeling a little blank these days..........Just rolling with the days......I slipped a disk in my back and the pain has been unbelievable.  After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself it was all stress related, I remembered I had a little fender bender about 2 weeks ago and the pain started after that....DUH!  How unconscious can I be? I totally forgot about it......

So, although I have been going to see my chiropractor I didn't really do anything about the pain until yesterday (other than take ibuprofin) when it was SO bad, I went to my regular doctor and begged for pills!  He gave me percocet & Flexeril and told me to be careful driving.  WOW, how about be careful standing!!!!  I was SO totally wasted (and I only took 1 percocet - he told me to take 2!!!) that it was almost funny!  Today I am hungover, my back feels a little better and need to get my shit together for a visit from my dad later today........

I am pretty apprehensive about the visit because as much as I REALLY try to not have negative feelings about people and try to look for the good in them, I really can't stand my stepmother.  She is a judgmental bitch who has the sensitivity of a brick.  It is impossible to communicate with her in any kind of healthy way as she continually hurls insults and belittling comments at me.  If I try to tell her how I feel, I basically get "Sorry, that's the way I am" with no feeling in the response at all.  It's pretty exhausting to put up with and after dealing with her for 35 years, I think I'm pretty much at the end of  my rope.  I love my dad and want to see him and have a relationship but being around her is really damaging to me.  I am really concentrating on trying to work on how I react to her (both internally and externally) because obviously, she will never change.  As someone who deals mostly in intuition and emotion, it is virtually impossible for me to have any kind of relationship with someone who deals only in logic and opinion and has the emotional intelligence of a flea.

So, they are coming.  I had a little argument with her last week where she told me that she really didn't know how to deal with all my sensitivities when I tried to talk to her about something.  I wanted to say, I'm sure it's hard for you because I know how hard it is for me to deal with someone who doesn't have any sensitivities, but I didn't.  I swallowed it.  Anyway, my dad got involved in the argument (she drew him in) and although we are all "ok" now, I'm really not and feeling pretty uptight about the visit.

Wish me luck.........  Oh, 13 more days until I visit Sweet Love!!!!!!!!!!  I'm really happy!

Random Thoughts...........

It's been a difficult weekend.  It was really hard to see my son leave and know I wouldn't see him for 3 days.  Sometimes I'm ok with this, other times it's pretty devastating.    I kept myself busy and actually ran into him yesterday and we spent a little time but when he asked me if I would stay and have a snowball fight with him and his dad it made me sad.  Not because I couldn't necessarily, but because I know he has this need to be with us both together and for the most part this will forever be unfulfilled.  We do many things together and while some think this is confusing to him, I disagree.  I think its good for him to know he has his mom and his dad and that as far as he goes we are a unit.  We are not together as a couple but we are together as his parents.   The more I can get along with H. and spend time with our son together, I am happy.  Not when he's being abusive to me but if he's behaving, its a pleasure to all be together......  the only down side is that it sometimes makes me question my decisions.  Fortunately, he never can act well for too long and I usually have a reminder of why we are apart (other than me being in love with someone else!) pretty quickly!

I am going to visit Sweet Love very soon!!!!!  I am really excited.  We will have 10 days together.   She lives in an awesome city that I love to visit so its bliss all the way around.  Things are very real right away when we are together, we just pick up from the day before and our time together is not just a honeymoon, we laugh, love each other, argue, talk, it's heaven............... And while I am so happy I am also so aware of how fleeting our time together is.  It is so hard when I leave her.  I have started taking a tranquilizer on mornings of the days we separate after being together.  It is so devastating to me that I really break down.   Like sobbing for hours kind of thing.....  So, the little bit of help remaining calm is very helpful.......  I will miss my son so much, it is really hard to be away from him for so long but I know we will be back together soon and that he loves being with his dad so it is ok.  The only real problem is that I get a monster back when I come home.  It's like I have to start all over with him respecting my authority and he really acts out the first few days.  It's brutal.  I'm still working on this.........

Grateful

I spoke with my lawyer and came to the conclusion that by not addressing issues with me pertaining to my son, my husband is not following our separation agreement which says that we will communicate on issues pertaining to our child.  My lawyer told me that I could bring him to court and ask the judge to force him to go to some kind of mediation on issues that we can't resolve on our own.  I then called H. and told him this.  I told him that it was not my desire to threaten him or keep him from being a father to our son in the way that felt right to him but that he had to communicate with me in situations where I was not comfortable and that the impetus was on HIM to make me comfortable. I told him that he could no longer shut down all my concerns with a simple "tough, you do plenty of things that I don't like".  He came out with both fists flying and started with the threats but I calmly told him that he had no basis to take my son away from me unless I conducted myself in an inappropriate way around my son or had her stay over night - of which neither had happened.  I told him calmly that he really needed to stop these threats and using them as an excuse to think he doesn't need to engage with me.   I then went on to talk to him a little about his anger at my "choice" and tried to explain that it wasn't a choice at all and that I cant help how I feel.  He said I made the choice to act on my feelings and that there are probably plenty of people out there who choose not to act on them.  I didn't get into the fact that these people are probably being eaten up alive from the inside.......

Then I asked him about what his great fear was in terms of his son being around 2 women.  He said it was the treatment he would get from other kids.  I told him that I was raising a child who I hoped would know that the color of your skin, who you love, or what you believe, doesn't make you any better or worse that anybody else.  I said I believed that my son would be a tolerant and open-minded person and not want to be friends with or need acceptance from people who weren't.  I told him that if he had the support of his parents and others who did accept my choice, he would be fine.  I said that what I felt would cause him the most damage would be if he believes that his father doesn't approve and thinks its wrong.  This will tear him up inside.  I asked him if he thinks it would be better for me to be with a woman who is caring, interested in our son's well-being, has a lot to offer as a person, respects his role as father, and who our son likes or if he'd rather I be with a man even if he didn't really give a shit or wasn't so nice, or wanted to be "daddy".

By the end of the conversation he said "so what do you want to know about the guns"?  We talked it through and he made me feel that he understood that access to the gun can never be left to our son's judgement, not even for 1 minute.  He told me he understood that he could not be trusted, at this age, to make any judgement calls regarding this.  He went through how they get the guns from the safe, how they shoot, and how they go right back into the safe.  The biggest thing was knowing he understands that he cannot trust our son AT ALL to be alone or have access to the gun.  He had once told me "my son will know better" and I think this is what scared me so much.  He also told me that I didn't trust his judgement and I said that he was correct, I didn't.  He had made decisions that had broken the law and that just saying to trust him wasn't enough for me.

In the end it was peaceful and hopefully we will have gotten somewhere.  At least for this moment I am ok and I'm grateful for that.

S.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

I have found my center again.  I spent most of yesterday talking to friends and Sweet Love and I remembered how lucky I am and how much love I have in my life.  S.L. and I spent most of the afternoon on Skype (video calling) and it was wonderful.  It felt like we spent the afternoon together except that I couldn't wrap myself in her beautiful arms or touch her magical skin.  She was so loving and supportive, I really couldn't ask for more.  And.....I get to see her in 24 days!!!

I have been reading more of the Dyer book on intention and it has been really helpful also.  He says in order  to bring positive things into your life you need to reframe the negative messages you send yourself.  He says that by thinking about the negative, you invite more negative energy.  If you refame your thoughts into the positive, you will create that energy.  So, instead of thinking that my H. can be a real asshole, I'm scared my son will be screwed up or injured, or I'm a hostage in my life, for today I will tell myself:

"I will let love and good feelings flow through me, I will live a life of freedom and peace.   I believe my son will be a happy, healthy and productive human being and will give him all the love and support I can.  I cannot control every aspect of life for him and will do my best and believe that the universe will take care of the rest.  Where I cannot effect change, I will find peace within myself. "

I have a little gift for you.  It is something a friend sent to me and I love it so much I wanted to share it.  After all, aren't we all crazy diamonds in our own unique ways?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccvWdcbwZMY

S.

I'll Man You Up.

He bought my son a gun.  A GUN.  A GUN.
Can this get ANY more twisted?
Ok, I will try to regain my composure...............
Last year he bought him a bb gun - he's only allowed to use it while supervised by his dad and I don't think he used it much.
A few weeks ago he bought him an air-soft rifle which is, I think, a type of bb gun - BUT, he bought it in the form of an AK-47.
Now, he tells me today he has bought him a rifle.
He says the bullets are not much bigger than a bb gun but I checked and they can kill someone.
He says he wants to take him to a shooting range so he can really shoot.
FUCK.
I HATE guns and he knows it.
I can't do a fucking thing about it.
In my gun and tobacco loving gay intolerant state I am SCREWED.
He can do whatever the fuck he wants and I can't do a thing about it.
I am back on the moving idea again.
I still won't be able to do anything about what he's doing but at least I have a chance of living my life freely.
My lawyer says I have a good chance of getting a divorce ruled in the new jurisdiction if I live in there for  6 months and file first.  
I have to give it some more thought...........................I'm scared.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.  
I have so much to be grateful for.  I try to remember that every day not just once a year.  My tradition with my son before bed every night is to each say what we are grateful for that day.  I then tell him something I am proud of him for from the day.  I sometimes ask him what he is proud of himself for.  It is really nice.  I don't feel comfortable with prayers so this is a nice substitute to kind of bring it all in close after a long day  out in the world.


Holidays can be so hard for people like us.  It's difficult not to feel a little introspective.  To take a little inventory.  When you are not at peace with where you are in your life, this can be a time for really feeling that discord intensely.  For us in particular, some of us are separated or divorced and not with our kids or the "family" we are so accustomed to.  Some of us are with the family we are a part of but know in our hearts it is not where we belong.  Some of us are split in two, with H. but missing a love or with a love and missing H. and kids.  I know I wish it was all a whole lot easier.  But alas, ladies, this is our destiny.........  For some reason or other we have been chosen to walk this path and in some form or another, we will all walk it.  Some will crawl, some will walk at a nice pace and some will sprint, but we will all go down the same road.  We can offer each other an encouraging word along the way or offer a drink of water to someone who is faltering, but ultimately, each of us is on our own journey to discover ourselves and decide how we will live.
  
This is such a daunting process, we all know it is, so difficult, so full of heart wrenching pain at times.  But in the end, I feel grateful that I have a chance to live my authentic self, that I continue to grow as a woman every day, that I have a child that I adore because of the choices I made so far, and that I have a wonderful, loving, woman who makes my heart sing.................

I wish you a Thanksgiving full of love, peace and gratitude.
S. 

Dear Anonymous,

Someone wrote the following in response to a post about my relationship and this blog post started as a response to her but kind of took on a life of it's own so I will post it as a regular entry.  I thought others might get something from it as well.


She wrote: "It feels like my love and I are on two completely different pages. We are not connecting at all. I feel insecure, and uncertain and anxious and fearful. I would like to have a completely open conversation with her like you had with your love, but I'm afraid. Maybe if I journal all my fears, it can quiet my mind and organize my thoughts." 


I wish you courage and believe me, there are many of us right there with you. I want to encourage you to be as honest with your love as possible. It is the ONLY chance for a real relationship. I know this in my soul. I know how frightening it is to fear the loss of something you love but believe me, if you can't share your true self with her, what you think is there is not. You will only suffer more later when the cracks start to show. (I have to remind myself of this often.) You deserve a relationship where you can be your authentic self without fear which is, I presume, what you want and why you are separating from your H. I know how much easier it can be to face what we are facing with someone on the other side but it can also make it much more complicated. I definitely have kept some things private. The days when I look at H. and my heart breaks and I fantasize about being together I keep to myself. If I generally feel sad about the loss of the family I dreamed of, I will share it in moderation. I generally use other sources of support for these conversations. What is essential is that she and I must be able to communicate about US. It doesn't always happen in the time I'd like or the way I'd like but so far, it has always happened. And it has always made us closer in the end. I think one of my problems in relationships with men has been that I'm often afraid to say how I feel - either because I just think they won't understand me (which they often don't) or because I'm afraid of their reaction (and that I won't understand them - which I usually don't!) I think I'm afraid of being to vulnerable to them. One of the things I love about being with a woman is that we fundamentally "get" each other. I don't know if this would be something that would happen more naturally with any woman I was with or whether it is something that I just have with her, I can't say because I've only been with her. I do know that in general I have a lot more to talk about with women and can find my voice and share my thoughts in a much freer and easier way. With men I usually feel that I am talking about something just to take up space and I am pretty bored and I feel they generally want to get the hell out of there because I'm too intense.....or else I just feel stupid. This of course, unless I am in love with them in which case I'm on some other planet all together......... I think your idea of journaling and quieting your mind (and maybe talking to someone about why you are afraid) is a great one. We are all with you and supporting you. S

Hand in Hand

We "found" each other again yesterday.  It started with a discussion where she was being a little aloof and telling me how there are no guarantees of anything in life - especially not relationships and that you never know what can happen in life.  She said you can't make any promises because its not really honest.  I was feeling very insecure and rejected by these comments and we had a long discussion.  I found it hard to get my thoughts clear and communicate them but I finally said that  I totally understand that promises are somewhat of a false proposition but that I believed in intention. I think that we can intend certain things.  I told her, I think you can intend to turn towards a relationship and help it grow and develop or you can not - and then you will just have a floundering connection - nothing special.  I told her if we wanted to have a close, beautiful and nurturing relationship, there had to be the intent from both sides.   I don't know where this all came from in me actually but I have listened to Melissa Etheridge talk about Intention a lot and recently got a book by Wayne Dyer on the concept of Intention.  I'm not sure I really get it yet but anyway the word came to me in my discussion with her and made sense.  After a while, she told me in her way that if she spent to much time focusing on us, our situation, and all the hurdles we face, she could destroy the relationship in a week.  She said she could put a lot of pressure on me about the divorce, the time I spend with her, the plans I make, etc. and that our relationship would end.  I didn't understand what she meant at first but slowly came to realize that her defense mechanism for dealing with everything is to distance herself from her emotions at times.  I asked her if this was correct and she said yes.  All of a sudden, like a glass ceiling shattering, we came back to each other.  I know that we do go through these cycles when the situation gets to one of us and we pull away a little but we seem to always end up back firmly hand in hand.

The Latest with Sweet Love

Sweet Love and I have been having a "cool" period.   It started a few weeks ago.  As I've mentioned, she lives far away so we carry on a good deal of our relationship on Skype (video phone calls), and the phone. It's a shitty substitute for looking into someone's eyes in person and touching their skin, but it's the best we've got for now.    Anyway, we both try to strike a balance between living our lives as fully as we can while we are separated but also sharing them as much as we can and loving each other.  Anyway, sometimes it gets to be a lot to deal with.  Also, she is very independent and a very independent thinker.  She is very intelligent and really thinks about life and not always in a conventional way.  There are many who might think she is irresponsible and selfish because she does not subscribe to many of the conventions that other's do.  In certain ways she is selfish but what that means is that she takes care of herself.  There are so many of us who care-givers, mothers, wives, girlfriends, daughters, friends, who just give and do for/to others and get sucked dry in the process.  She loves deeply but she is not a "care-taker" and does not expect it in return.  Sure, she will make me chicken soup and pet my head if I am sick, or let me cry while she holds me if I am sad.  She will do whatever she can to help her daughter with her kids if she needs it, etc.  What she won't do is something that feels like it takes too much from her.  If she needs time for herself, she takes it.  Period.

So, I guess she needed some time a few weeks ago and I couldn't reach her for 6 days.  I got pretty hurt and she wasn't really able to understand/be vulnerable to my feelings about it.  I told her it makes me feel unsafe and that how do I know that the next time it won't be a 6  month disappearance?  She says she loves me with her "heart, soul and body" but that sometimes she just gets caught up in things and she's busy and doesn't realize the days have past (this is the 2nd time she's been unreachable in 1 1/2 years).  As I write this I feel like I'm sending up a lot of warning signs and I understand that.  I think that at times she can lack empathy and get wrapped up in her own mood but generally, if I just let her be, she quickly comes out of it and is back again.  I guess one could say she sounds like she's not reliable emotionally but I would have to answer that I don't think that anyone is truly reliable.   My own history tells me that people don't come with guarantees and neither do relationships.  They work while they work, and both people can put their best selves into it, but once one starts to feel differently for any reason, all promises are out the window.  People have many different facets to them, some less desirable than others.  With her, I love the way she thinks, sees the world, and makes me feel.  She's generally loving and attentive and given that all we deal with (and we do communicate well 99% of the time) we are ok.  Last night she told me she was knitting me socks....... So even though we are on a little disconnect right know.  I know the love is there.  She once said to me that 2 people can't always be on the same frequency in a relationship and you have to just accept that and not freak out when it happens - two people who are meant to be together will get back on the same frequency soon enough.  Don't make more of it than it is.   I think I will follow her advice for today............  S

This Is Really Amazing - I LOVE This Article!

Please click this link to read Dana Milbank's piece in Tuesday's Washington Post entitled "The messengers of God can't get arrested in this town".   It's not often that we get to just sit back and smile over something related to our personal struggles or the struggles of the gay community but this will do it!   I thoroughly enjoyed this - I promise you will too!  Thank you Dana Milbank!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/16/AR2009111603248.html?nav=rss_opinion/columns

My Son, The Lesbian

Not feeling well. Got some antibiotics. I think that I've been harboring some left over junk from what I think was my bout with swine flu a few weeks ago. A bunch of my friends' kids had it and I got sick - all the symptoms, sweats, muscle aches, cough, sore throat, little bit of nausea, etc. I wasn't (and am still not) sure if it was, because they don't test for it and because I would have thought I would have felt much worse, but I think it was and now my Dr. thinks I have some kind of secondary bacterial infection. Hopefully the antibiotics will get me sorted out. I'm thinking that part of my semi-depression from the past few days was brought on by feeling sick. I find that to be a common symptom of coming down with something as I get older. Well, lets face it, moodiness and all it's evil-stepsisters seem to be unfortunate facts of life at a certain age...................

So I called the lawyer (thanks for the kind support I received after my last post). She said, "oh dear!" She talked to me briefly about sending a letter to H. stating what my "requirements" were when he had our son. She also talked about me asking for custody in terms of health and education decision making. We have our actual consultation next week, this was just a quickie, I'll keep you posted. I can't remember if I told you about H. not wanting my son to get the H1N1 vaccine and while I'm not sure about it, I'm more inclined to do it that not and I don't know what happens if we disagree (H. says we will draw straws.....he can be funny sometimes). Also, my son goes to a school that is very over-crowded and while his teacher is kind and works her tush off, there's not a whole lot you can do with 28 monkeys and one zookeeper. So, I've proposed looking into private schools - as an option - in case. Right now my son is doing fine but he is a very smart, high energy boy that will just do the minimum he can get away with. I struggle with just letting it be or putting him someplace where he will have more attention (smaller class) and teaching that is a little more tailored to the individual. H. says NO. That's it, just no. Because I went to private school (and he didn't) he doesn't want it. He says public school was great for him and that he wants his son in school with all his friends. Also, he says "people who go to private schools have social problems".....aren't I the perfect example? OMG, if my son goes to private school, he will be a LESBIAN!!!!

Hope you smile today.
:)
S

The Princess and the Prozac

I've been feeling really depressed and I'm not sure why. I'm almost thinking it might be partly hormonal as I seem to be peri-menopausal. Bleeding heavier, periods sometimes skip a month, sometimes twice a month, just generally total chaos where there was once some semblance of order. I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but thanks to great support systems, it has only gotten really bad a few times. I've gone on and off anti-depressants several times in the last 28 years and am pretty good at taking my temperature and calling in the troops when I need them. I had been off them for several years when I met my H. and stayed off them until the marriage started cracking. To be honest, I was more anxious than depressed and probably was really in the realm of ok but it was so clear that my H. suffered from depression and mood swings and he wouldn't do anything about it. This caused me to decide that if he wouldn't do anything I needed to do something if I was going to be able to live with him so I went back on them and into therapy again. It's funny how several times while writing this blog I have recounted a story or decision that seemed perfectly rational at the time only to decide while sharing it with the world now, that I must have been off my rocker! (Not about the therapy part, just the idea that if he wouldn't get meds, I decided I would). So I've been back on prozac for several years now. I actually cut my dose back a few months ago and have been doing fine but in the past few days, I've felt pretty bad.

As wrote a few days ago, I found out that my H. has been leaving my son alone in the house while he goes to get coffee. This really sent me over the edge. I deal with so much shit from him in terms of his bad decision making and I am always afraid to take a stand because of his threats and anger. I am not a weak or meak person, I am very strong and can usually stand up for myself quite well and in healthy way. I have really put a lot of years into trying to live a spiritually and emotionally healthy life. But when it comes to this, I am pathetic. It's like my brain is in the spin cycle of a washing machine and it is never going to stop. I have decided that tomorrow I will call the lawyer that I want to use and get some advice. I certainly don't want to be seen as condoning his behavior in any way, I also want him to stop. When I tried to talk to him about it the other day, he just said "you do plenty of things that endanger our son's well-being on an emotional level so I don't think you should tell me about endangering our son". I said, "this is not a debate, you WILL stop it, it is against the law" he said "what are you going to do, report me?"

I guess some level of depression might be normal at this point.............

Are You Kidding Me?

OMG!!! What's WRONG with people?????????

I cannot believe this.

Sorry for the diversion but I just cannot believe this.

It shakes me to my core.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJXWFZz0Qjo&feature=player_embedded#watch-main-area

The Birthday Party

This weekend was my son's birthday party and we decided to have his party at H.'s house. We invited an enormous number of people and parents stay also because its a kid/adult party. All in all it went well. I didn't feel weird being at the house (which used to be my house too) and we both sort of did our own thing and everyone seemed to have a great time. I was pretty relaxed except when I was going into the house for something at one point with a couple of friends (to show them something I had made for the party), and he stopped me and asked what I was doing. Now, the house was open to everyone and the bathrooms were inside, and I was helping host the party and get things from the kitchen etc., so this remark was a completely assholic thing to say to me and my friends (who btw, are also his friends). It's like he just wanted to shame me or something. Then, when I came out of the house, he pointed to my forehead (where I had gotten a little bite and I guess had been scratching it a little and it must have been red) and said in front of some friends, "what's that?" Then pointed at my fingers that had some black on them from something an said "what's that?" again. My friends kind of jumped in at that point to say leave her alone and he did. Other than that it was fine and my son had a wonderful day.

Last night, on his "real" birthday, H & I took him out to his favorite restaurant for his birthday. That also went well. No rudeness at all.

But how 'bout this.....my son stayed with H. the night before his b-day, I asked him yesterday if daddy woke him up with a big Happy Birthday?
Him "no, daddy wasn't here."
Me: "What? Where was he?"
Him: "oh, sometimes he goes down to the coffee shop and he's not there when I wake up so I just go downstairs and watch tv until he gets back."

WHAT??????????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????? It is illegal to leave a child my son's age on his own in a house for any period of time. I was at the coffee shop later that day and mentioned what my son had said to my friend, the owner of the shop, and she shook her head and said that it was true that sometimes he comes down and says that our son is still asleep. In addition, he almost NEVER has him in a car-seat and will even put him in the front seat without a car seat. I cannot believe that I have to walk around scared to death of losing my son because of who I love but he just does whatever the fuck he wants and its fine. Yesterday I actually thought that I should try to get full custody but this will just start a war - unless he tries to get custody in which case I may do it. But then comes the next question, should I try to get him to agree to a collaborative divorce or just go the traditional route and get the best lawyer I can (I already know who I would use)? And then there's still the point of me being totally paralyzed about even bringing the subject up at all............

Obama

You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman. 

Barack Obama 

10/10/009

Mother Dyke

Still really confused about the state of the world.  I know this blog is supposed to journal my experiences in this journey but one of the big things is dealing with going from a socially acceptable person in the world at large (more or less!) to a child-molesting, God-hating, hell-burning, sinner who could be executed in some countries.  I realize that because I'm Jewish, I would probably have fallen into a majority of these categories, in some parts of the world, prior to realizing that I like having sex and relating intimately to people with vaginas, but now I'm really doomed.   Really though, joking aside, I'm serious.  It is a huge identity change to go through.  One day you are a wife and mother talking about soccer games, how your kids doing in school, the latest theories in child-rearing and bitching about your husband and the next, you are listening to the bitching about husbands feeling like you've descended from another planet and you are totally alone.  So who am I now?  Where do I fit in?  I spend a lot of time on this one.  I don't want to lose my "world" and in many ways I do fit in, but on the other hand, there is a new me that is lost and wandering around aimlessly looking for somewhere to fit in.  Also, I can't help but resent that I am now "other".  No matter how much my friends try to assure me that this is not true, I know that it is.  I feel "other" inside myself.......and it is very unsettling.  How does one reconcile all these different pieces to a puzzle that don't really fit?

Disgusted

What can I say?  I am so totally disgusted by the outcome in Maine and where I live, any hope for equality and acceptance just got flushed down the toilet.  I realize I'm preaching to the choir here but HOW CAN THIS BE????  How can people be so intolerant and ignorant?  I was talking to some friends yesterday (who vote with their wallets) and realized that there is a big problem when people are fiscally conservative and socially liberal, what do they do?  Unfortunately, I think the wallet wins unless their civil liberties or personal needs are at risk.  This sucks.  I understand voting about money, and doing what you believe will help your family, when you are struggling to put food on the table.  What I don't understand is being affluent, having more than enough, and still voting only with taxes in mind and foregoing what your social conscience tells you.  How can we be so single-minded and not see the big picture?  I have a really hard time with this.  In my state, Gays and Lesbians have NO rights, NO protections, can't adopt, can't marry by an amendment that also bans anything that even "looks" like marriage.  I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.  It makes me sick.  Unfortunately, as I've laid out in previous posts, it is not so simple to leave.

Trying Again

Three months after I separated, I decided to give my marriage another try even though I was completely in love with someone else. My history with my husband had been very difficult but, surprise, surprise, when I said it was over.....he woke up. After several months of working on himself, he finally seemed to "get it" and I felt I owed it to my son to try to find happiness within the marriage. I even felt love for my husband again. So, I stopped my relationship with my gf and for 1 year I tried. I had some days that I thought it would be ok.....didn't walk around with a broken heart, but mostly I stuffed my feelings down and tried to convince myself that I could do it. I WANTED to do it. There were 2 big problems.....HER & sex. I couldn't have sex with my H. Whether it was because of the history and lack of trust (to not be hurt by him emotionally) or because I was now possibly a lesbian, I don't know, maybe a little bit of both. Anyway, he couldn't handle the no sex thing and started badgering me and making declarations like I was gay and still in love with her and that's why I didn't want to be with him. The reality was that he was pressuring me too hard, perhaps if he had let me take my own time it would have been different, I don't know. But anyway, everytime I did have sex with him I felt like I was betraying her. Pretty ironic to have sex with your husband and feel like you are betraying your gf. Well, it all couldn't sustain itself partially because of who I was, partially, perhaps, because of my inability to really speak honestly with him (mostly because I was afraid of losing my child in a custody situation if it came up) partially because of who he is. So here we are, I was lucky that after 1 year she was still feeling the same way and special enough to understand and take me back. Now it is act 2 and I still struggle, still try to figure it all out, still have joyous days, and still suffer immensely. I can only imagine her pain when I went back, as well as her continued fear that I am still not divorced. She is wonderful and special and I love her.

You Just Can't Win!

First I moan and complain about men not communicating and how I wish they'd talk more and feel their feelings.  Then, after I'm relationships with women in a different way - my gf and also women in different places on the coming out spectrum.......I wish they'd stop talking about everything so much and I'm getting kind of exhausted from hearing about all these feelings!!!!!!

I guess I'm pretty high maintenance!